Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
What an awful time to have common sense.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.