can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”