Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
not for long
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.