If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.