I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
calling in to work dehydrated
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.