[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
When someone trying to leave me
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?