Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
We avoided this particular disaster
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.