Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean