At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
decorating my apartment
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet