Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet