you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
just left a huge legacy in there
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow