Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
🤣🤣🤣
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.