Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me