Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating