God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
s
oc
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.