*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Vodka burrito was a success
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it