This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.