Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You Might Also Like
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.