Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
real
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices