the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Not all heroes wear capes.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice