THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.