[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out