wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.