There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My current situation
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”