I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
This one’s “Alex”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.