I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.