her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
WWE is French for “yes”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”