Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola