“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended