Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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We found love in a hopeless place.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.