Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Reporter: *ports again*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me