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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Don’t snitch tag.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture