The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
can you read it!!??
maan!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.