Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.