If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.