me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
You Might Also Like
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.