Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!