It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]