all that yoga finally paid off
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.