[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that