My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
twitter is a journey
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’d hang this in my house.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild