Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian