Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
You Might Also Like
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Husband of the year 😂
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Autocorrect completely socks
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem