A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy