Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Think I pulled my liver
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad