Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it