In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”