One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
the icebreaker
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!