[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.