H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.